SESSION THIRTEEN: ASSERTIVENESS

How confident are you when it comes to delivering your message? Being assertive means that you know what you want to say, and that you have a message to deliver that is non-judgmental and clear.

In this session, we will discuss the elements of assertive statements. You will then learn a method for delivering statements clearly so that you can get what you want or need.

Self-Attitude

Self-concept, self-image, and self-esteem can all impact the way we send and receive messages. Individuals with low self-esteem and a negative self-image tend to operate in a passive style. Other people might think that they are superior to everyone else, resulting in an aggressive style. This creates all kinds of interesting conversations!

Words to Watch Out For

If you want to be known for clear communication, avoid words like:

• I will try
• Ought to
• Should have
• Must
• Always
• Never

If you are tempted to insert these words into your conversations, replace them with clearer terms. Instead of “I will try to get back to you later,” say “I will call you back by 4:00 today” (and then make sure that you do!).

Your Inner Self Talk

Be aware of the internal messages you give yourself. If you start from a negative self-concept and negative expectations, your external behavior will likely be non-assertive, and you may end up feeling frustrated or angry. The more you replace your self-talk with positive, confident words, the more confident you become. We know that is easily said, and more difficult to realize, but it is worth the results! This helps you build credibility and trust with the people you speak with, since your words and actions will be congruent.

Persuasion

Expecting the best and knowing when to stop talking are probably two of the most important elements of persuading others. If we cannot convince ourselves of something, it will be very difficult for us to persuade others.

Have you ever known another person who talked so much that other people stopped listening? These individuals overwhelm their listeners with conversation, until the listener becomes confused, bored, or both.

Mark Twain used to tell the following story that bears out that point:

“I was attending a meeting where a missionary had been invited to speak. I was deeply impressed. The preacher’s voice was beautiful. He told us about the sufferings of the natives and he pleaded for help with such moving simplicity that I mentally doubled the 50 cents I was about to put in the plate.

“He described the pitiful misery of these poor people and I raised the amount again. Then as he continued, I felt that all the cash I carried on me would be insufficient, so I decided to write a large check.

“Then he went on. That preacher went on and on about the dreadful state of these poor natives and I abandoned the idea of a check. And still he went on. And I got back to a dollar, and then 50 cents. And still he went on. And when the plate finally came round… I took 10 cents out of it!”

The lesson: Balance enthusiasm with control.

30 Ways to Persuade

1. Learn to link and connect with individual clients.
2. Demonstrate your expertise and knowledge.
3. Think fair/fair, not win/lose.
4. Be consistent and predictable.
5. Make sure integrity is reflected in your standards, values, and behavior.
6. Never assume they understand you.
7. Never assume they believe you.
8. Know when to be silent.
9. Tell the truth.
10. People believe exact numbers.
11. Show you have nothing to gain.
12. Flush out problems assertively.
13. Clients believe written words over verbal words. (Think about how sales pitches over the phone might be more suspicious than ones in person.)
14. Create an obligation for one or both parties.
15. Proceed a bit at a time, from inconsequential points into major areas.
16. Practice diffusion; show that you are out for the same things.
17. Never corner clients. Leave them a way out.
18. Give two options that are both acceptable to you, so that you win regardless of the choice. (Old sales trick!)
19. Play with innocent questions such as, “Why would you want to do that?”
20. Never accept an invitation to attack, since it creates a trust issue.
21. Exude charisma and read the auras of individuals.
22. Everyone is important and unique. Some literature says that you should treat all clients like they were an interesting guest on a TV talk show.
23. Do not patronize.
24. Give sincere compliments.
25. Smile before you dial (or meeting someone in person).
26. Be childlike: Open and transparent. Expand your center of interests to include others and explore the talents of others.
27. Use humor if appropriate.
28. Remember names.
29. Remember: Difficult people do not play by the same rules.
30. Practice strategic apologizing.

The Assertive Formula

I Messages

We are most likely to retain the goodwill of the person we are standing up to if we stick with our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, and avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person. One way to do that is to stick with “I” messages, expressed in a matter-of-fact, non-judgmental tone of voice.

You can use this same type of message when you are giving feedback about someone else’s behavior. Again, the feedback should be non-judgmental, and it should be specific.

The Assertive Formula

There is also a formula for assertiveness:

Example: “When you leave your papers all over my office, it causes it to be cluttered and I feel disorganized and upset. I would like it if you could pick your papers up when you are done.”

When you are stating feelings, remember these tips:

• State feelings, not evaluations
• State feelings, not solutions
• State feelings directly

Expressing Your No

Once you understand the request and decide you want to say no, choose the kind of no that best suits the person and situation. Here are some general rules to follow.

Say no firmly and calmly, without saying, “I am sorry,” which weakens your position.

Say no, followed by a straightforward explanation of what you are feeling or what you are willing to do.

• “I am uncomfortable doing that.”
• “I am not willing to do that.”
• “I do not want to do that.”
• “I do not like to do that.”

Say no, and then give a choice or alternative.

• “I cannot help you now, but I will when I get this done, which could be in an hour.”
• “I do not have time today, but I could help out the first thing tomorrow morning.”

Say no and then clarify your reasons. This does not include long-winded statements filled with excuses, justifications, and rationalizations. It is enough that you do not want to say yes. Your clarification is given to provide the receiver more information so that they can better understand your position.

Use your natural no. You may have developed your own style of saying no based on your past experience and personality. If so, use it.

Make an empathetic listening statement and then say no. You may paraphrase the content and feeling of the request, and then state your no.

Example: “I can see that it is important to you that one of my assistants gets your report done. I would like to have someone do it, but my staff is already overburdened with high priority tasks to be completed by the end of the day.”

Say yes, and then give your reasons for not doing it or your alternative solution. This approach is very interesting. You may want to use it in situations when you are willing to meet the request, but not at the time or in the way the other person wants it.

• “Yes, I would be willing to help you out, but I will not have time until tomorrow afternoon.”
• “Yes, I could have part of your report typed, but not all 40 pages.”
• “Yes, I would be willing to go along with your second alternative, but not the third one you suggested.”

The Persistent Response

You can also use the persistent response. This method of saying no entails using a one-sentence refusal statement and persistently repeating it as often as necessary, no matter what the person says. This technique is useful when dealing with very aggressive or manipulative people who will not take no for an answer. It is especially useful to assist you in moving from the passive mode to the assertive mode, as it gives you a specific format to follow. This is also useful for moving yourself away from the extreme aggressive end of the continuum if you are apt to lose control and become verbally abusive. The persistent response can be effective in maintaining your refusal while continuing to be in charge of your emotions.

Because this way of saying no is unusual and a bit complex, we will provide some detailed guidelines for applying it.

First, select a concise, one-sentence statement and repeat it no matter what the other person says or does. Examples:

• “I understand how you feel, but I am not willing…”
• “I am not interested…”
• “I do not want to…”’
• “I am uncomfortable doing that, so I do not want to…”
• “You might be right, but I am not interested.”

After each statement by the other person, say your persistent response sentence. It is important that you do not get sidetracked by responding to any other issue the other person brings up.

Guidelines for Saying No

Say your statement firmly, calmly, and as unemotionally as possible.

Be aware of your non-verbal behavior, making sure you do not come across passively or aggressively. Use plenty of silence to your advantage. Your silence will project the message that the other’s statements and manipulation are futile.

Be persistent. Simply state your response one more time than the other person makes their request, question, or statement. If the other person makes six statements, you make seven. If the other person makes three statements, you make four. Most often, the other person will feel ill at ease and stop after three or four statements. Other times, your response will move the other person to offer options you are willing to go along with.