When we manage our difficult interactions with difficult people, we can tend to think we can also change other people. If this were so, we would find ourselves working with people who were just like our leaders, rather than encouraging creativity and innovation.

In this session, we will explore positive and negative interactions. We will also offer some helpful ways to deal with negative feelings.

Negative vs. Positive Interactions

Deep down, we already know that we cannot change other people. Fortunately, we do have control over our own thoughts, and we can change our reactions to other people to help improve those relationships. We also have the ability to influence other people’s behavior by reinforcing the behaviors we want repeated, and ignoring the ones that we don’t want repeated.

Negative Interaction

Do you ever experience negative interactions and wish that you were somewhere else?

• Manager: “Why can you never do the invoices the way I want them done?
• Bookkeeper: “Because you keep changing your mind about how you want them done.”
• Manager: “No, it’s because you don’t listen to me.”

Positive Interaction

Take the reins and change the cycle!

• Manager: “Can you tell me why these invoices aren’t showing a due date on them?”
• Bookkeeper: “Because you keep changing your mind about how you want them done, and I wasn’t sure what you wanted.”
• Manager (Option One): “I hadn’t realized I’d been sending you mixed messages. What are the contradictory instructions I’ve given you?”
• Manager (Option Two): “When that happens, I’d like you to feel free to ask me and to get some clarification. Then you’ll know what to do, and I will be happy with the invoices.”

Take the Wheel!

You are the one in the best position to change a negative cycle to a positive one, and you’ll find it an easier task when you start with a plan. Our spur of the moment reactions often don’t work out that well. You can use the three-step process as a guide any time you have a tough meeting coming up with an employee or with a client.

We’ve also got to be realistic. There is an old expression that says the best laid plans of mice and men (and managers) do not all turn out as well as we’d like.

Dealing with Negative Feelings

Put yourself in charge of you.

Take a leaf out of Eleanor Roosevelt’s book and refuse to beat up on yourself or make yourself a victim in these situations.

Be proactive rather than reactive: notice what is going on around you, and when possible deal with potential problems right away. (For example, you can plan team meetings to ensure issues are addressed before they explode.)

Monitor your self-talk.

Become more aware of what you tell yourself both before and after dealing with a difficult situation. Remember the reality of how what we tell ourselves comes true, whether those messages are positive or negative.

Be in control.

Plan how you will handle the situation and visualize yourself feeling in control. After a situation has been handled, analyze it, learn from it, and then put it aside.

If you still feel angry after you have dealt with a situation, use that anger constructively to clean your office, or let it propel you out the door for a walk.

Work on your sense of humor.

Research tells us that laughter is a proven method for dispelling stress and feeling better about the world. If things are getting heavy for you right now and you can’t find much to laugh about, try renting a comedy or watching your favorite comedian.

Have a support team.

One of the most important things that you can do to deal with your negative feelings is to have a support group – people you can go to and just talk about how you feel. In your organization, do you feel you have that kind of support? Do all staff have that kind of support? (This is very different from gossiping; confidentiality is a big factor here.)

However great your support system is at home, others will rarely be able to understand just how you feel as well as someone who is working within the same culture and walking in a similar pair of shoes. Part of your action plan for the end of today may be to work with others to create a safe haven (a partner or confidante or some other support mechanism) where you can let off steam and pent up emotion.